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everything's fine

Oct. 11th, 2007 | 12:55 am

i don't know if i should bother writing an entry.

she's knee deep in knives that stagger in her sides and when
it hurts she cries
its all lies they say she never died
its this time that i am waiting for nothing but it makes it seem like
when things were fine.
just a fuck and just a lay
is the words they all would rather say
then bleed the pain its getting to be
that time.
death is easy when they are lying down and nothing seems to be there
but just this same old day
and days are old when
i'm fucking

there isn't an end to words that can't be said just as fast as a
computer types they seem to end.
i made your pain seem just like mine but we're just the same
remember its different when his blood is soaked in beer and wine.

i hate you for bringing up these feelings
that aren't even real
because we all know that no one really feels.

its over but
i'm not sober.

fuck you, she shouted i swear
when my head turned tears ripped out of fear.
its not something i did to you,
its what you are doing to me.

i'm in love with the words that
chase my brain.
i'm in love with something i think
you just feigned.

i hate when you fake
i hate when you stake
love and truth
to injust hate. words repeated in different ways
to say that its not okay
to feel the same.

she's crying the tears you ripped in vein
just because you didn't want the truthful beings
of seeing
she's alone but with you she's home.

i want to say your name
and tell you what you've done
is not fair game.

you never play fair so why is it that i'm never sane.
to stupid fake lame fucking shit that isn't even the fucking same!!!!!!!!!!!

no its not poetry,
not the words that i can say
that make this seem okay.

i fucked up?
its you who's screwed.
when you see what you wish you knew.

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(no subject)

Sep. 12th, 2007 | 02:57 pm
mood: guilty guilty

so i ended it with nick.

its hard for other people to understand my mind let alone myself. i try hard to never hurt anyone, but sometimes its necessary to help yourself. i hate that idea but too often do i chose to do it for someone else, not for what i need. i don't know what exactly that is, but i hope if i am a lone i can figure it out.

nick was... hmm... the kind of guy you grow old with. the kind you marry and have 3 kids with or whatever. i love him, but i am just not at the point of finding a life partner. easily he could have been that, but i don't know if i can grow independently with that in my life. this is my time, this is my life.

i need to spend these next few years focused on expanding myself and doing good for others while nurturing my own needs. if i am alone, i cannot rely on someone else to fix whats wrong or make me forget. pain needs to be dealt with by the singular power of self. growth can only happen when i am strong. i must become a powerhouse, i must become what i rely on, and not be scared of it. at this point if i am alone i'm scared and helpless, but i can't have that. its pathetic. i have friends on my side but i don't rely on them to fix me.

so i'm sorry nick.

you were/are so much of a wonderful and pure thing, but its just not what i need right now.

i am a stone.
i am a rose.
i am a thorn.
i am the grace in which i seek.

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(no subject)

Aug. 24th, 2007 | 01:45 am

sure the explosions faded in the night
her eyes didn't show the fire in her sight.

she roared a vicious sound and treated the kings to another round
here's to the heros and the whores
here's to the laborers and the children wanting more
we crave the skins and neighbors of other dreams, the ones that taste like tangerine screams

i am a babe of different things, i never said i be just sane.
i'm trying to reach for prettier days, the ones that smell like heavenly gaze.

tomorrow i'll be the same as i was two days forth and two days back. i haven't changed but simply chapped the lips of a devious serial faze.

forget that i wanted to sit by your side. forget when i cried and wished you were mine.

today im wishing on a rounder moon, and wondering if it'll ever be you.
i've been fooled too many, like chasing flies and catching only hateful eyes.

you were precious stones and i was the sorcerer with old bones, too weak to carry you, to wise to mold you. with each piece i drop i wonder what i really lost.

i'm forgetting what its like to love, i'm really just pretending that i
know that i
i implore you i know i

am empty without your side.
i wish i was strong and pushed the winds like changing sins, i could find a man with empty hands who fell to his knees for me. i have this power to handles these things.

but when i sleep alone and when i hear those tones, i see a empty shadow cry, its eyes are looking at mine.

too late i found a simple thing, its taste was soured but deep. it tore my soul in two and when it was done, i lost you.

happy again they say, i've found a man who makes it ok.

but each day i hear the voices that chant same choices i begged to go away.

only not so long do i wonder how i pass this test before i fall and cut the thorns caught in my chest. i'll be alone when they find i've murdered the simple thing of nothing that was but could be but isn't my everyting

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deep breath deep breath sigh

Aug. 15th, 2007 | 01:37 am
mood: envious envious

i'd hate to see a good amount of space wasted, but...

as time goes by i find myself more and more attached to nick. and along with it a weird sense of jealousy of every girl he interacts with. odd... i know. i mean myspace for instance... i read these comments from girls, i don't have any idea who they are... and i KNOW they're comments were before we got together.... but i can't help but think... who are these girls? why did he like them? does he still like them?

i guess cheated on once and you wonder when again? i don't know. i just imagine these secret conversations that go on between them, and even once in a while wonder if when he's home during the week girls flirt with him and he ends up... doing whatever... with them.

i really am not the jealous type. i don't see a need to go out and make a fuss.. i mean people are the way they are and trying to force them to feel differently is wrong. so...

it's wrong.

there are so many good things about him and at the same time i can hear myself kicking me in the head saying back off, stop thinking of the future, stop making this so big.

i've already had a few people tell me its a rebound relationship. hrm. on the other hand i've also been told i'm dating my father, or my brother... or some other relative i'd rather not imagine. soooo i guess ignore it all.

of course i miss adam. how can i not? i was completely in love with him. now? i love him very much, but i hope and i do believe im not IN love. but it scares me when my conscience fights me AND my friends. i've always been the type to be very aware of myself, in the matter i know what i'm doing and why and how and such. even in the most insane crazy times of my life. i mean at the crisis center i knew why i was there how i got there what needed to change and what i was doing mentally to put myself there. but this relationship thing... this love affair thing... my mind is on mute.

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Aug. 14th, 2007 | 12:32 am

recently, in a mix of emotions, i feel like a psychopath.

anyone else getting this?
oh im sure.

i feel like crying always but i don't know why. little things, and the bigger things on top of that. oh, you don't have a spare cigarette? wah. oh i'm in total debt and won't be able to pay rent anymore? wah.

so why is that so? and WHY THE FUCK is my account $650 in the hole?!!! that makes no fucking sense at all... this is the kind of thing, this on its own, that will drive me to insanity and right back to that little crisis center i could call home.

i guess its time to go back on meds? but then my pride. my pride doesn't want to be medicated, in fact its kind of done with drugs at all, even alcohol. my pride is ready to be responsible and take control of my life and push me forward to achieve great things.

too bad the crazy is screaming give up.

i miss faces and feelings. i miss not caring. i miss... the missing.

so now i'm home, and the sound of techno music reminds me of the neurons in my brain on fritz. electric and fast and piling feelings and sounds and things.

i want the comfort back. sometimes i get the comfort, but it comes rarely again, as i suppose it would be.

my friends are really really great. i love all of them. but why do i feel like pushing them all away?

i used up all my passion on... i don't want to say what. i guess i just know and so does everyone else.
and yelling, crying, burning and fighting for you, THAT was passion. that was passion on speed. in minutes i took a lifetime of what i wish i told myself for you. you deserve it immensely, i just wish i saw it that way for myself too.

this money thing, this school thing... this is going to make me break.

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Aug. 10th, 2007 | 08:56 pm
mood: discontent discontent
music: louis armstrong

well this has been... a fucking stupid week.

i guess it all started when i made that bad decision a couple nights ago that everything has spawned from then on. for one i've been hiding away from everyone. i've been trying to get a job, i found one but its with this creepy guy who has a crush on me and sometimes, often i wonder if i was hired in his hopes he could persuade me into his bed. unfucking likely. i will get paid for being in his company so i won't complain to much. the shitty part about that (besides what i've already said), is that i just find myself in the constant position of not being able to get the job. oh, jackie was feeling depressed, i made her a drink and soon enough i had one and then two, called for work but oh im drunk. i try for the next day and frankly i can't remember what my excuse was but it was something about the same size of an excuse as the other. then the day i decide i REALLY am going to be doing the job?


i woke up thursday morning not feeling right. i've been sleeping on a couch for a bit so i wonder if its that. i walk to the computer to check my mail, but the second the light of the screen hits my face, stomach turns, dizzy, sweaty, weak.
i turn the computer off and go back to the couch and lay there for a minute.
"shit, am i pregnant?"
first thought in my head (what can i say? i'm scared of it always)
as i lay back down, i feel overwhelmed, and my stomach is tight, bloated, and acidic. i go to the bathroom and vomit bile. more bile.
i returned to the couch, sweat is dripping off me from everywhere. i return to the bathroom and throw up again.
a friend is here and sees me on the couch, i'm shivering and sweating, she brings me water and another blanket. i can't drink the water either. i look at it and return to the bathroom to throw up. i feel incredibly weak, and super dizzy. my friend puts on a dvd and we watch it but im not really there enough to notice it. i have a fever and can't. stop. shivering. bathroom again.
this goes on until about 4pm. my friend over the hours has tried to feed me water but with no luck. she becomes more and more worried and i become in more and more pain. my stomach burns and is sharp. its tight and bloated still.
we go to the hospital where i continue to throw up in the bathroom and pass in and out on my chair. i'm shivering and sweat is soaking my shirt.

in the bathroom (now this is a little TMI, but it was damn scary), i'm umm... hmmm. bleeding out of... well alot of blood. like uncontrollable amount of blood just coming out. i throw up again.

they finally get me into a room where i pass out again, and they put an iv in my arm. twice because my veins are too tight from dehydration. they feed me anti nausia medication. i'm crying a little because my stomach hurts so much. another friend hears what's going on and arrives and wakes me up on my cot. the two friends make nice with each other and keep returning with more blankets to cover me. i feel like i'm dying.

after a while, now 9pm, they decide to transfer me to another hospital, feeling pretty confident i need a catscan. they go back and forth on this decision and decide i should.
they've stabalized me at this point, i'm still shivering and sweating and with a fever but my body is rehydrated.
i lay down in a cot in the emergency room hallway and the pain returns in my stomach. i sleep for a half hour and then after a bit they get me in to see the doctor. he tests me for a while and questions and such and such. i'm a little more lively now, which of course doesn't ever help your case. it seems to me doctors prefer to treat those that look like their cup is half empty rather than half full. if that makes any sense.

im sitting up a little now, a new iv in my arm, and my friends and i are joking while we wait for the doctor (can i call him doctor mcdreamy?). he comes up with a few different diagnostics, two that i have to wait and see, and two that i am being treated for now. a UTI, not such a big deal but good to know, and gastritis which isn't what it sounds like. basically it means my stomach lining is swollen and has become infected most likely with bacteria. i guess mcdonalds was a bad idea. i have a medication that i had to pay for out of my pocket and i hope it won't be the same for the hospital bill.

so im at my friends again tonight, taking lots of ibprofin and my meds, drinking lots of ginger ale (why not water? i don't know). and drinking broth. sleeping on and off all day. another day of work i had to call off. boo...

i'm going to try and work tomorrow but my sister is in town around 1pm i think and i need to be there to bring her stuff up to my place. so a half day of work.

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saying no

Aug. 7th, 2007 | 04:42 pm
mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable


as usual i find myself in some sort of dramatic problem i let myself get into. heather s. was right.

i really thought i was stronger but once again i guy gets the chance to take advantage of me and im numbed and quiet. you would think by now i would know how to say get the fuck off and push them away. but nope, i lay there, closed my eyes tight and wrapped my arms around myself. he didn't really do anything but try to touch everywhere, and my subtle hints weren't good enough: i pushed his arms away or i'd roll away. but why couldn't i say no? i KNOW i didn't want it. i KNOW i wanted to make him leave me alone. but i couldn't speak. all i could think of was the other times when i was too weak, lying there while someone did as they wanted with me. i know he didn't mean any harm, but if he had ANY idea how it hurt me, how it effected me...
i did finally push away completely, and said it wasn't ok.... but i let it go on for what felt like eternity.

i feel so shitty for letting it get to that point. i didn't want it. i didn't have an excuse to let it keep happening, i just couldn't say the words or really move. that fear, or pain, or whatever it was: took over me and i became dead. my mind was racing, and in my head i heard myself screaming for it to be over. it wasn't ok.

again he meant no harm but he doesn't KNOW my past, and he WAS out of line anyway. i don't mean to make excuses for other people but its hard to say someone you care about is bad. fuck, it took me a long time to decide the guy at USM was really BAD. of course this isn't the same.... i don't know.... i can't help but see the other side to these situations and i don't want to assume anyone has done wrong.

i just know it effected me terribly and i need to go away. i really really want to go away.

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and you

Aug. 1st, 2007 | 03:47 pm
mood: nervous nervous

how could you fucking think no one cares.
how dare you think that no one dares.

i sleep with one eye open
the mind fuck starts and im just hoping
please god stay alive.

please god stay alive.
your smile begs for it to be
this impossible thing.
and im wondering if you'll ever see
you are everything
you are everything.

and you think i stare
blankly, of course
to scare the tears
and make you
fucking rape you.

who the fuck cares if you die
you're not aware
you're last breath was yesterday

im asking for you to take your hands
breath, press, breath, press

your heart
its not beating.
i didn't do this to you

you lay on the floor, you watched your head
from the walls
you are not listening!

i cannot wake you.

so just listen to these words

its all you. you're killing yourself.
please please please wake up
grow up
and do something
do something
do something

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(no subject)

Jul. 23rd, 2007 | 06:39 am

back in my apartment, the sun is already up and im starting the day again, brain dead and body hungry but not self not hungry. my mind zips through the evening, the faces, and that burnt out feeling. its not over, please tell me its not over. somedays i wish i could go like this for hours, faster and more in tune like nothing else you'd ever see. of course, we, as in they, have lives so here's to saving a night and opening a day.

i keep thinking back to my anxiety. i get this feeling its gonna get me and i've been bad.

simple version, not taking my meds for the last month. just too damn happy. and yet....
i feel it there, in my stomach.

when i kiss him, especially when i've been drinking (since i don't smoke or anything around him), i feel it strongly: the nerves about to break, my body wanting to run, my breath gone my heart stopped. its not that he makes me want to run, its just i like him so much. but am i sane enough?
im waiting for the day when i do something, erratic and dramatic, crying or yelling or just not responding to anything. i wonder if he would understand, or think, "this bitch is crazy"

what else is in my past or present attitude and lifestyle will make him leave? i don't want and can't change what i am and refuse to for another. but i don't want to fuck it up.

i also get this weird anxiety before i see him: i think about us fighting, about him getting so mad he can't stand me, he goes to the bars and yells about me to his friends. i storm out and wonder what went wrong to get us there. i shouldn't think about it i know, but

oh this blog is nonsensical. so is my brain.

i so badly want to write everything out as clearly as possible, but that poetic feel is numb.

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(no subject)

Jul. 9th, 2007 | 12:15 pm

so things are going well with nick. the only thing, which may or may not be ridiculous of me, is he's a Capricorn: when i looked this up about matches and stuff it tends to be that they don't work together at all, but on some occasions, as they are polar opposites of each other, it can work. he is the type to focus on logistics and work, a set time for play. and i am the type to focus on comfort, anytime play and my emotions. its sort of like a ying yang thing i guess: if we are conscious of our differences and except them, we could be wonderful.

i've already noticed ways he's so different from me. he has two jobs, he takes them seriously and has life organized into schedules. not that he speaks of them as such, but considering sunday is his day off and he uses it just for hanging out etc, the rest of the week is strictly work, no partying. of course those who know me know im not the type to sit down to a job and focus on it until i have a day free, i just happen to always make everyday free. im content with my life being unorganized and being a bum. if he were a bum like me, i think he'd be pretty upset with himself.

however this is something i actually like about him: if im going to be in a relationship i need someone who is in control of themselves and their schedules. luckily i will not be judged for mine: it just means i don't need to concern myself with his affairs, he is absolutely able and does take care of himself. i really admire it in him.

we finally talked about unstableness, and i told him about the crisis center and the depression/anxiety. we talked about cutters (as i have a few friends who are and such..), and are different yet similar opinions of it. he sees it as ridiculous and unnecessary, and has told me people who cannot stand on their own freak him out. well, in some ways thats just me. on others, and more as i would like to see it, i am more than able to take care of myself. if no one is relying on me to be one thing or another, and im not relying on them to be one thing or another, i see no problem. as for those who cut, well, we at least agree its a way to express mental pain, and that in the end it is unnecessary: i just think people aren't always aware if its a bad or good decision, just that somehow it gets it out of their chests. agreed. perfect.

our relationship is getting stronger fairly fast and as wonderful as it all is fast is usually bad. i think we both are aware of that and try to calm it down, but me being an "emotional crab" i need to know how he feels about me. i know he is happy and very much in love, but my nature to think to much is putting pressure on it. he knows i love him very much so he expresses himself often. i don't know what im doing sometimes. i think thats where i keep fucking up. so in this situation, i know i just need to say to myself.... shut up... enjoy this... focus on your homework, your audition, your bills, and the job you oh so need.

i think.

thats what i need to smooth out.

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